Who Are You Mad At?
Have you ever been so mad, that you just want to fight everyone and punch everything?
Okay, maybe that's a bit much or maybe that's just my crazy self, but have you ever wanted to at least just scream and let it all out?
This past year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. A lot of 2018 issues spilled into 2019 and the first half of last year was just a whirlwind for me. I spent a lot of 2019 being mad. I was mad to the point that I felt like I could not talk because if I opened my mouth I might just go off and go crazy! Now, you may be asking “Yari, who were you mad at?” Literally, everything and everyone! I was mad at everyone around me because I felt alone, misunderstood, betrayed and used by many people that I gave myself to and put my trust in, and I just could not understand why. I was mad at God because my mother spent a lot of time in pain and got really sick, and I could not understand why, it just wasn't fair! I was mad at myself for being so bitter and mad. I felt like there was so much more that I could do or should be doing, but I wasn't. I felt like I literally had nothing else to give and, for a little while, I forgot how it felt to be free, joyous and alive. Regardless of how mad I was, I knew that the only one that could heal my broken heart was God. But I was mad, numb, and just did not know what to say. I had so many moments where I did not want to open my mouth and pray, and even if I did all I could do was cry. Until one day, God asked me, “Who are you mad at? How is being mad going to heal you? When are you going to give me your pain and anger so that I can heal you? When are you going to posture your heart in me?”
You see I was used to figuring things out on my own. I was taught how to push through that pain. I am a “G” anyway, I don't fold under pressure. That was my mindset, and I was so scared to allow myself to feel otherwise that I stopped myself from feeling. I built up this wall of anger, bitterness, and pain towards everyone I loved, including myself and God. But the thing is, that no matter who or what I was mad at, God already knew, and He was waiting for me to give him all of those things. He was waiting for me to surrender my heart over to Him so that He could heal it. It wasn't till the moment that I said, “God I give my heart to you. Help me posture myself in you so that I can find joy again,” that God began to give me peace, joy, and comfort through the storm.
Do you know what the craziest part is? Through my bitterness and anger, God was still faithful. Even when I was mad at Him, He still poured out His grace over me and strengthened me to get through each and every day, even when I wanted to give up. When I felt like I could not handle one more thing, in the midst of my coldness and numbness, He would still remind me that I am a warrior, who is strong and was built to endure and do it with grace. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I wish I could sit here and tell you guys that I didn't have to endure through the storm, that everything was just fine even after I decided to stop being mad and give it over to God. The truth is that just because we have this extra deep moment with God, or we get this new revelation of His love and faithfulness it doesn't mean our external circumstances automatically change. I mean, yes, God has the power to turn and change everything in one single second, but a lot of times we are just called to gracefully, joyfully endure by posturing our hearts in Him, because diamonds are built in the fire. Even though I was still going through it externally, internally everything changed. I was able to go through it with freedom and with the strength that His love provides.
I want to encourage anyone who may be in a storm, anyone who may be mad, cold, or even confused because what you may be going through is unfair and undeserved. Yes, I know it is a new year, a new decade, but the truth is that some storms can spill into the new year, and sometimes don’t change from one day to another! Be encouraged, you are not alone; it does not make you less of a Christian. Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to not be okay, process, be vulnerable, and know that you do not have to endure alone. This does not make you weak. Your moments of vulnerability do not make you less of a “G”. If you are mad, it's okay. Just do not allow yourself to stay mad, because you will miss the experience of allowing God to work through you and with you as you make it through the storm. You being mad will not heal you and it won't change anything, so why not let your guard down? Why not let Him heal you?
Allow God to break down those walls, so that you can finally allow The One that can actually do something…to do something!
XOXO,
Yariana